hi Darla welcome to pretty psych I'm so glad to have you here
I'm so glad to be here
it's funny it's funny to welcome
you because you're here all the time you work with the Mountain City
I see you all the time we're always connected
but welcome to the podcast I'm so glad that we could do this
it's an honor
so Darla Ernest has this lifelong love for god people and music
and she continues to deepen it in her work as a trauma coach
she works for Mountain City
Christian Counseling she is one of my favorite people in the world
her compassionate approach really does empower and encourage
and accompanies
women of all ages through their trauma and grief journeys
gently guiding them toward hope and healing
Darla has lived in Florida, South Dakota, Germany
Minnesota, Alabama and North Carolina
and she brings a breath of life experience
and cultural sensitivity to her practice here with us
she confidently balances warmth oh I can attest to that
with professional insight I can attest to that
meeting clients where they are and walking beside them
on their path to resilience
so she is a certified pastoral trauma coach
she also holds a Bachelor of music in vocal performance
from the university of Central Florida in Orlando
as well as a Masters of Arts
in ethnomusicology from Bethel University in Saint Paul Minnesota
you can also reach out to us at admin
at Mountain City Christian counseling dot com if you're
interested in working with her
she is remarkable that my favorite part of your bio Darla is
meeting clients where they are
that so describes what you do you don't have an agenda
you enter into the river of their lives where they are
and meet them there with only compassion
saying I'm here we're gonna do this together and that is who you are
thank you for being here today
oh thank you so much I can say when it's very hard
to hear your own bio read out loud while you're just sitting there
because
I want to explain to people oh anything
I am ever able to do is because of the multitude of people that have
poured into me and you understand that I'm sure
and I think all the time
you know too much is given much is required
the required part sounds so much more
you know kind of like a command but that's not how it feels
it's like that hero's journey that I've been talking about in
groups and things
that I call it the heroine's journey
that you get
the elixir
you know at the end of your
journey
you cycle back through these phases of healing
but once you get the elixir and you get the healing you just
can't wait to share the good news with people
yes yes I I understand what you're saying darla you
there's an excitement
that you have and that I have and that I see with a lot of our coaches
that comes from
I have been given so much I've done so much healing
work people have poured into me and I'm
I can't wait to do that for others I yes I was made for this
that's how I feel about you darla
you were made for this and of course
you really gravitated toward the more
Christian mystic slash
meditative area of
Mountain City which is perfect
and that's what we're here to talk about today
you sort of found your niche there
you lead Sacred Circles which is an amazing group of women
I love hearing you talk about it because
you love it so much like I've even said hey do you need a break
from sacred circles and you said
oh no no no no no this is for me too I don't need any breaks
from this and then of course
you lead
our little mindful moms
for moms of teens who are single moms and they're
struggling and you guys meet together and that seems to be a gift
tell me a little bit Darla about what drew you to these specific
niche areas
when it comes to the meditative side of healing
I think it sounds so much more
woo woo for lack of better terms than most people understand
it came from my own prayer life initially
I used my imagination
I have my initial story
was many years ago when I realized god wasn't angry
with me and someone said something and I was on a run and I had this
image in my mind of god is a big father
who was so loving who was kind of squatting down with his arms open
for me to run into his arms
and like couldn't wait for me to get there and was like
just like hurry up I can't wait to see you
and that was the beginning of me understanding this divine
imagination as some people call it or the meditative prayer
or however you put it and that was the beginning
for me and it kind of became very natural for me to start to pray in that sort of way
and so the truth of who god really is this loving
god
all accepting genuinely all accepting genuinely
bigger than my imagination even
that's how it began
so when it comes to a little more practical a little more today
I spent two long years
morning and night in this sort of healing kind of prayer
and then it was more formalized in my own
therapeutic times and my own times of being coached
where I was guided
in a way that really understood how healing can go
deeper and more completely
and it fit like a glove so
it's sort of how the spirit has been leading me
my whole life to an understanding of wholeness
the spirit within me that I don't have to go searching outside
that you know this wholeness and this love and this beautiful
is in me
we call it mystical but it's all there is really
and so when I realize how practical it is and how normal it is
then I wanna share it with
everyone
then there these little aspects of it of
breath work just breathing I mean we say to our children
take a deep breath
why do we say that? we haven't gone into the science
of it we haven't gone into the studies of it but that deep breath
that is so connected to god the pneuma the
P-N-E-U-M-A
the spirit all of
that
there's so many
levels
of depth and healing just to breathing
and that's how you begin a lot of these
meditative prayer times this divine journey this spirit LED thing
it's so practical
it lowers your blood pressure it lowers anxiety
it clears your mind it even does work on your hormones
and so that's where it begins is with the breath now
the groups that we've talked about
we don't spend the entire time doing this it's just one little aspect
and I've kind of
incorporated it it's not that the entire groups are based around that
but the idea
that
your nervous system getting reset
in a setting all together where we can share as much or as little
journal be LED in these journeys in their imagination
all of these things around a theme
that you know I've come with the theme: show up as you are
let's do this together
there's community but there's just enough structure
so that everyone gets to be heard everyone gets to be validated
they get to be involved as much or as little
I don't even mind if someone shows up because it's all online
and turns their screen off
that's fine with me if that's what you need that week this is about what you
need you don't have to
show up for anyone else but yourself
but what usually ends up happening is it's such a warm
incredibly non judgmental accepting environment
that people will show up
straight out of the shower straight out of the garden yeah you know
with their blankets on and their bonnets
and their blankets and their yes cause it's moms yes
it's all moms yes
yes the moms and the sacred
circles and all of that
come 100% as your
there's been
days and this happened recently in sacred circles
someone showed up and they said I'm so exhausted
I was thinking of not coming
and I decided well maybe that's exactly when I need to come
and I was like yes yes
yes yes exactly that's what it's for
I consider it a success if somebody says to themselves
oh what a bad day I don't want to
I don't want people to see me but I'm gonna show up for this group of sisters
who's just gonna love me no matter what
that's what I've heard you say you were looking for and so
sometimes
when we can't really find what we're looking for we create it right and that's something
that you have inside of you
I wanna go back Darla to something you said about
you had this vision of god
kind of
judging you did you say judging I don't know if you use that term but
that's true though angry at you looking at you from the
outside and
I want to highlight this because this is something that we all
work toward in Mountain City I consider it part of our mission
to connect. that's a big big part of what we do
you know we talk a lot about shalom which is that wholeness
with god wholeness within ourselves and wholeness with other people
and that peace
that sort of third leg of the stool that wholeness within ourselves
is what I believe is most broken down in the evangelical church
we're told to look out and up
we don't have that sense
inside of us of wholeness and then to add insult to injury
we imagine god looking at us from the outside
maybe being angry maybe judging maybe
you know watching our every move and
we might say yes god is inside of me we might say that but
we don't really believe that I think
we really do believe god is on the outside
and and that term that imago dei that we talk about so often
god just can't be closer to us god in our marrow god in ourselves
god dancing with our soul
from the inside out that closes that gap
and when you
have the
exchanges that you have in both groups because I understand
that you're exchanging this there's a river of life quality
about these groups where you're holding each other's stories
you're holding space
it's powerful you're you
continue to bridge that gap it's like we're threading something closed
that shouldn't have ever been
rendered apart what do you think of that?
oh it's so beautiful what you just described
when you were first talking about that brokenness
the broken concepts the
I got teary eyed and I realized that it is heartbreaking and that's
so sad to see people not understanding
you don't have to check off these boxes
oh he's a loving god there's this weird cognitive dissonance
he's so loving he's so loving
I heard this quote today
and I hope people will understand this quote in the
context of our conversation
there's no hate as strong as Christian love
when I think of that in terms of this
you're told all the time he's loving he's gracious
he's all accepting and yet
you're told at the same time he's out there oh be careful little
eyes what you see for god is up above he's like you know
that song you're taught when you're a kid
and it sung so beautifully and
god is up above and looking down with love oh be careful like
you get that story and
so you start to absolutely equate love
capital L the ultimate love you know you learn the word agape
that it means something other than the loves we know on this earth and
you're just drilled into your brain
that it is also be careful it's watching you so
and as you know
when you're a child
you have two truths
that don't match up you know you're taught that they're truths
it creates that cognitive dissonance
but you will make up stories so that you can live with that
yes
so we make up the story that I'm so broken and messed up
that must be why god has to be that way
if only I could just get it together enough if only
I could you know do all the right things and
do enough Bible studies and
be that Proverbs 31 woman or you know all the things
then I'm going to attain
that love and I'm being loving when I'm helping other women
go through these workbooks to be more like our designated
you know decisions
that we've made about what Scripture said that women need to be like
and so all of that brokenness is so sad and when I just understood
it was the beginning of my journey cause it takes
a long time I'm not 100% done at all getting rid of those
thoughts
but I'm a lot farther
along than I ever was and the wholeness and the peace
I experience is like nothing I've ever had but
it all started with that image
that god
was just you know
wanted to hold me now god within
Immanuel God with us I mean they tried to let us know this
is the Spirit God within god is in us yes yes
it's all over the place
I feel as though
Jesus was trying to explain to us this big big big truth
like no really it's something more
it's experiential
it's not just head knowledge
it's
freeing it's healing
it's like your shoulders drop
it's so simple
but not simplistic
and that's it beautiful Darla beautiful I
I almost could feel as you were describing that
old feeling of okay am I doing enough Proverbs 31 woman like
you never can get there so you just stay in that place of desperation
imagine god looking in from the outside
and but people will say no Christ is in me
one of the things that I'll say sometimes
to break it up you know how I like to use fresh language and you do this too to
like say something in a way that doesn't just sound like a recording
somebody has from church growing up or VBS or something
and one of the things I say is no no let me say it this way
god is so close to you
so in you that god is experiencing your life with you
and
loves to do that
that's beautiful yeah and then
like you just described you see that somatic
experience where the shoulders
drop but then sometimes the head gets a little taller
and you can feel it and see it from the woman that you're talking to wait a minute
that's different
that actually is god in me rather than my just saying it but not
experiencing it god experiencing our lives with us and
being there that
that makes you comfortable in your own skin I think yes
doesn't it help yeah go ahead
well I'm thinking of two things
the lies that you have to
peel away because they're put on you right
that you help
people peel away are so powerful even they'll say yes I'm a vessel
remember this terminology I'm the
well I've even heard
that there's good solid science about
at the cellular level
there is spiritual connection
and God is in our cells
it's not as if we're a vessel covering it up and
oh and we've got to put it's in a dirty space
we got to clean up the space for god to be in there oh
you know there's all of
this terminology that again sounds like what we're explaining
it's not so the fresh language is really important
there's something in there too that happens have you noticed this
there's a knowing in every single person
that they're like yes this is
exactly what I've kind of known all along
yes yes it's like you weren't really comfortable with imagining
all those disconnects or thinking of yourself
as mightily depraved or totally depraved or thinking of yourself as
an empty vessel that's a hollow feeling for people like
and that disconnection
from self is very very painful from our own souls
that's very very painful to see ourselves as
desperately
wicked and our heart who can know it you know all those things
I think what you're describing and you tell me if this is right and also by the way Darla
knows all the research
on meditation
and and prayer and what that does for a person's mind and
soul and body but
when you do see someone make that connection it's like
they will say I never really felt right about thinking of myself
I never really felt right about thinking of myself
as all my good deeds are just dirty rags
that never really really sat
well with me like you have to really make yourself
work to think of yourself
that way it takes a lot of energy to go against
being made in the image of god right
yes and we also innately know it when we look at someone else
yes yes and
we look at someone else we don't hopefully
but genuinely speaking whenever we see someone hurting
it's a lot of work again to go from the place of empathy
and seeing them
in a way that's genuinely loving to seeing them as depraved
and needing to be
corrected
we've done that too so once you understand the wholeness the god
within the spirit within that that wholeness
it frees you from seeing others as objects or as projects
and people want that freedom
that's such a burden to step
outside of your door forget step outside of your door
inside your home and
where you feel this I'm not meeting I've got to
do this and this and this to get people to god
oh my goodness when you start seeing
that god within that they are the image of god it's so much easier to love
people
oh my gosh yes
that reminded me of that
Victor Hugo quote to love another person is to see the face of god
and when you see people that way as injected
with the DNA of god before they could even mess it up
that is a powerful way
to recognize dignity in all humans and you you treat yourself
differently
you treat others differently you raise your kids differently
yes I'll and I think what you're describing
is
just what Jesus
meant when he said the kingdom of god is here now it's at hand
it's now it's not
you know someday down the road when we die or we go to heaven
then we'll be able to see everybody
having the dignity of Christ in them
we see it now and it it shifts everything
in this age yes it's a bit
that that's in scripture that means now yes here now yes yes
oh Darla oh my heart is singing hahaha
I love talking with you you are life giving
and life bringing and that's why the women in the groups
love you so much and they do I hear about it all the time because
some of the women who go to your groups might be clients
of mine and they say oh
Darla oh I love group oh we talked about this and
did Darla tell you you know hahaha
let me tell you there's such a beautiful
again the structure
is a beneficial structure I don't know how to describe it I like
some order to certain things you know but what it does is
allows for real sharing
anyway I'm going off on a Tangent
I wanna hear it tell me tell me my next question was gonna be
what is it like to be in a group with you? like what oh
tell us tell us share cause it's amazing
so we all look forward to it it's an anchor in our week
the different groups are pure joy so when you show up as you are
we share just in a in a good structured way how you're you're arriving
a few words of feeling and then I have a theme
and then
I have a theme
and journal prompts are involved and people have their journals
there is a an artistic element to it nothing
too extravagant you literally
could show up with a pencil in your hand
but there is a creative element to it
there is a sharing and reflecting
so this is not a place where we give each other advice
this is not
people speaking into your life in that way
but you definitely are spoken into you leave
validated and for those who don't know what that's like just come
um
validation is incredibly powerful and there are so many people who really don't
they've heard that term
and they think they know what it means but this group
validates beautifully
you're encouraged without people giving you platitudes
you're encouraged you are heard
you don't have to go into gory details these are just things that
everyone shares their heart in a beautiful
way and we reflect it back to each other
and as you said we literally hold space for each other
you'll see what I mean in the groups
and then that theme runs throughout the whole time
and then we will end with usually
a meditation apparently
this is one of the favorite parts
now because I'll say okay which thing do you wanna do next
vote do you wanna do this or this it's always meditation
so the meditation is this wonderful close your eyes beautiful
music in the background sort of thing and you're LED
on a little journey that's all yours
so you're there you are doing something on your own but in a group
it touches a lot of wonderful aspects and it gives that women's group
need that we all have
we don't want to meet in a group as women
and talk about things that uphold the patriarchy
that's not what we're interested in
we want to actually be able to be women
and we're talking a little divine
femininity here and actual womanhood you know that is full of pain
and sorrow and tearing apart and incredible beauty
and supporting each other
like Red Tent living kind of stuff right yes
yes absolutely Red Tent living
and that's why I love the title Sacred Circles
that's another very important aspect
you're allowed to be anywhere on any journey
as far as spirituality goes or none
right in
space we have in fact in our current group we have all levels
of that going on that's not a requirement
nothing is pressed on you
and yet it's affirmed in you wherever you are as well
and there's no judgment it sounds like for where you are right
zero many of the people have been in many different places
on that actual journey and land in different places
it's pretty wonderful to experience
that's genuine non judgmental
spirituality
and we just love lifting each other up yes it is divine femininity
it's kind of well I don't know if we could say this but
it's definitely a group of of
say it say it Darla what is it hahaha now we all wanna know
yes badass women that if you met them
you might be tempted to think otherwise
it's beautiful
it sounds beautiful I see it all over your face how beautiful it is
so being in that group I don't know if I answered it well but being in that group is
very much
a loving environment
we can be angry we can be
all the things together
no one is expected to be any sort of type of woman we are all genuine
women in that group
it sounds amazing I know it is I hear about it all the time
so that's sacred circles and that is it's everything
we wanted it to be and you lead it so beautifully or facilitate it
you are reading the room what are the needs
that we have right now what is the spirit bringing to me
what are we gonna do this week right
I have so much confidence
in that now tell us a little bit about the Mindful Moms Collective
what is this group about
okay so Mindful Moms Collective
is a group of moms and we're single moms
and uh similarly I bring a theme
to the group
I'm also very aware of the fact that single moms do not need another
thing to do
so I try very hard to make this not a group of
another thing to do another thing on the calendar
um however I do want it to be so
uplifting that
they want it to be on the calendar that they want to show up
just as they are
being a single mom is incredibly hard and the similarities
of things we go through of course the details are totally
different but we all carry very similar burdens
so
this needs to be kind of a spa hour in a way
an emotional spa oh ha ha ha ha I love that
the moms can go as deep or as light sometimes can sense that
they're just exhausted and need to be poured into
and so
there have been weeks that there's more
pouring into the my favorite part of it is
when we do if we do a journal prompt and then we read them
to each other as much as we want to
the other people will reflect it back again they're not giving advice
they're just literally have taken notes
and they're just saying back what the person said
and there is this bond again this validation that people
if you've not experienced it
it sounds so simplistic but it is incredibly powerful
it creates a bond you were heard
and what I love is when it's being read by another single mom
there's usually a head nod
or you know something going I get this sister
and you know you're not alone
that's an anchor in your week
sometimes single moms don't have time to sit down
and have two hours with women to just get it all out this somehow
gets a part of that done
but it goes beyond venting
venting is important I do believe but this is constructive venting
I like to say any of these groups
are not therapy but they're therapeutic
it is so you're I mean you and you're using some really
cool skills and one of those is mirroring
and again that mirroring and reflection
lots of research surrounding it'll close the loop for you so
if you have a mom coming in and she's had a really
rough time this week or rough day
or she just needs to get it out to have
it there's a flow to this from what you're telling me she'll share
this with the group
maybe maybe not because there's no requirement for anything
people can come and go and there's
you know no requirements
only confidentiality so
what she's doing is she's sharing this river
and then the rest of you are sort of catching it
holding it with her and then you're reflecting back to her
her experience maybe with different language right and that's a skill
and then she hears it again coming back to her
and there's a part of her brain that says I am heard I am seen
I'm not alone
it closes up a loop in some ways it doesn't make it go away
to be seen
and to be heard does something deep for our souls right
yes it's energy giving
when those loops are going on and and often times our brain
keeps going over and over
something difficult because it doesn't a want you to forget
and b it keeps kind of searching for a way to
like you said close the loop it keeps searching for a way
to get this pain heard and so this
does that and it's it you're right there's strong science behind it
I love that
every week I'm just gonna be honest
one of the words that comes up maybe with everyone is exhausted
sleepy tired
so
you don't come just because you're all oh I've got the energy to be in the group
everyone shows up it's usually the theme and somehow afterward
words are more like peaceful calm
and hopeful that's my favorite I love it when this gives us hope and
again that's the magic there's
I hate to say magic but you know what I mean
we always say that's the big magic and and we don't mean wizardry
hahaha
yeah
I'm explaining it in a very practical way because I want people to
understand and like you said there's so much good
science behind it all
and we get to experience all the effects of it without teaching
it's not a teaching
atmosphere it can be sometimes there may be a truth introduced or
some facts about things
they're not teaching settings
well
and another thing I'm hearing is this is not
something you said this is not something else for someone to do
this is not a doing thing this is a being thing and that brings
rest to our souls
just being able to be with each other without judgment
so I you know I would say Darla that it sounds like these groups
which are so powerful I love them
there's such a deep spiritual quality to them
these are for women
maybe they don't want to go to a Bible study right now
which there's nothing wrong
with Bible studies that's just not what we're doing
maybe they don't want to go
into a group where they have felt as though they had to present
there's spiritual humans
who love god and yet aren't comfortable in the church
settings right now
and they need people like you who understand
because you're trauma informed the specific sort of pain and crisis
you have the
women's group all women
welcome you have the Mindful Moms Collective for single moms
what would you say
if a woman is listening right now and she says man I've
I've been in women's groups before that was
and I hear this a lot like when we've had our retreats
oh Megan I can't go back to a women's group I was so harshly judged
for my situation what kind of mother I was
going through a divorce maybe
or the abuse that they suffered
what would you say to those women
who are on the cusp and they're thinking
maybe I do want to be in the presence of other women
and have it actually be healing rather than
nitpicking and judgmental
like things they've experienced what would you say
I would say bonus it's in the comfort of your own home
these are objective people as well
they're not a part of your everyday which makes it beautiful
and that these are people that are showing up every week for each other
try this group
you'll be amazed
it's low bar entry no bar entry you don't there's no requirements
it fills that need that you were looking for in those other groups
and it's intentionally
made that way in fact that is one of the pillars of
this is that you would not be experiencing those things because
most of us in this group have experienced some form of that maybe
in fact probably multiple forms
in this space you can question everything
in this space because you're among others who have been doing that
I find
that a lot of times those people are still functioning in the circles
with those people
and they feel this odd sense of not belonging anywhere
they don't know where to go
I know this is true of myself
where do you go to find women friends because your whole life
for many not all has been in the church and you went to those groups
well now what do I do
this is your space
it's not just a bridge to something else
it's a safe space for lack of better words it's really safe
you're wanted there in fact the women in that group
are so excited when someone shows up
but yes oh just come come and try it out it's very affordable
yes like 30 40 dollars a month or something just to pay for overhead
and that is intentional as well
we are single moms and it's not always easy right
yes it can be your bridge to therapy
if you've never done any type of therapy
remember it's not therapy but it's therapeutic
it can be a compliment to your therapy quite honestly
if you are going through any type of coaching
counseling or therapy
and you realize you have a whole new way of seeing things
and you're like where are my people who
maybe think a little more like this
generally speaking these are people who are on healing journeys
they're not comfortable just
sitting back in all of that old way of thinking you will be welcomed
this is a great place to go
it also makes you feel so not alone in your healing journey
and they're all over the United States which is kind of fun too
you gain friends all over the US
yeah I would say come please
run don't walk this is made intentionally 100% to meet needs
Darla thank you so much so
you can reach out to Darla
again hopeful darla at Gmail dot com or admin at Mountain City
Christian counseling dot com you can read more about it on our website
you are welcome this is a sanctuary for women and Darla oh
Darla is one of the most pure
hearted humans I have ever had the privilege of knowing
you will fall in love with her like we all have you are
amazing Darla you have the that just deep gift
you have an expansive soul
and anybody would be so blessed so lucky to be in a group with you
thank you so much for being here today and for talking about this
and again run don't walk to the groups
we have Mindful Moms Collective and Sacred Circles with coach Darla
Darla
thank you so much for being here today and sharing so much with us
thank you Megan it was a pleasure
