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Dismantling the Divide: Sacred Circles in a Patriarchal World

Season #2

Megan Owen, MAR is a Pastoral Trauma Counselor and Chaplain, certified in crisis response, CPE, trauma modalities (including EMDR and DNMS), suicidality and bereavement. Megan offers a unique perspective into the masculine and feminine wounds causing divides among humans. She is the owner of Mountain City Christian Counseling and comes to us with 15 years of experience working with the traumatized. 

 

Key Takeaways:

      • With all that is going on in the world, Megan offers encouragement to all those who may be struggling and/or are disheartened by events and news that is causing doubt and fear. 
      • Megan reintroduces a holy and sacred practice, Sacred Circles, where all hold space for one another and connections are made.

Notable Quotes:

      • "I see trauma baked into systems. I see fear masquerading as loyalty. But I don't want anyone to mistake that aerial view for neutrality, because I know my assignment. I stand with survivors. I stand with women. I will always stand with the victims of abuse. And I can't contort myself into a false balance when harm is this clear." — Megan Owen
      • "The circle is a connotation of equality. There's space for everyone at this table, and there's no 'leader' We are space-holders when it's our turn, but nobody is in authority over somebody else, and we all have chances to share." — Megan Owen
      • "We are taught to be quiet and submissive, so this causes enmity between men and women, but it can also cause enmity between women and women. We create a fictional and misdirected world of scarcity rather than realize that we are all different and bring different things to the table." — Megan Owen
      • "When women find ourselves powerless to identify abusers and protect ourselves from abusive broken masculinity, it is because we have inside ourselves the critical voice of a patriarchal male putting us down, diminishing us, making us feel inferior and wrong." — Megan Owen

Resources:

MEGAN: (0:03) This is Pretty Psych, the podcast where we discuss and deconstruct the impact of evangelical Christianity and cultural phenomena on the psyche, the deep and sometimes uncharted territory of the mind. We venture into raw, rough, and sometimes triggering moments, but we know that through this what we will find will be pretty fascinating, amazing, and pretty intelligent. My name is Megan Owen. I'm a pastoral trauma counselor, and I have spent decades studying the science of human behavior. I draw parallels between therapy and connection to God, self, and others. I love what I do, and I will walk hand in hand with you through the fire (to help you find healing and rest. Most importantly, I want to bring you home to yourself. 

MEGAN: (1:11) Hi, Megan Owen here. Welcome to Pretty Psych. I am the owner of Mountain City Christian Counseling, and I'm so glad that you tuned in to listen today. With everything going on right now, I have really been profoundly moved by the courage of survivors across the world, but also deeply affected by what is unfolding in front of me with the Epstein files, not because I'm fragile, but because I sit with survivors of all different types of abuse every single day. So this is not political to me. It is not personal, but it is clinical, and it is sacred. There is some rage in me right now, but the rage feels holy. When you spend your life listening to women describe exploitation, coercion, grooming, intimidation, when you hold the aftermath in your office week after week, when you've worked with survivors as long as I have, I can't look at headlines and just see entertainment. I can't look at headlines and just see politics. I feel it in my body. And watching people defend abusers, minimize exploitation, mock victims, or protect power at the expense of the vulnerable, it is not just disappointing, it is morally revolting.

When I take the aerial view that I often talk to my clients about, I see brokenness everywhere. I see wounded masculine. I see wounded feminine. I see struggles for power. I see the deep hell of narcissism. I see corruption that transcends party lines.

MEGAN: (3:03) I see trauma baked into systems. I see fear masquerading as loyalty. But I don't want anyone to mistake that aerial view for neutrality, because I know my assignment. I stand with survivors. I stand with women. I will always stand with the victims of abuse. And I can't contort myself into a false balance when harm is this clear. Carrying this isn't easy. Some days it's hour by hour. I stop, I process, I grieve, I regulate, I accept, and then rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. But this is the cost of bearing witness. Some rage corrodes. Some rage purifies. Mine is not hatred, but it is refusal to normalize exploitation, refusal to excuse power protecting itself, refusal to abandon the ones whose stories I carry. So I'm trying to tend my inner fire carefully. And one of the things that is coming out of that is this idea to bring sacred circles back into the community of Mountain City. 

MEGAN: (4:23) So we had this beautiful, beautiful circle of women. This is our little middle finger to the evils of the patriarchy, where we were sharing our stories, and we were caring for each other, and we were holding space. And honestly, I couldn't maintain it anymore just because of my caseload. I will take as many survivors as I can. And we were having the sacred circles on Sunday nights, and I just couldn't manage it anymore. So now that I have brought on some new coaches, we believe that we have the bandwidth to reopen this beautiful, beautiful community that we were so enjoying and loving. And it was encouraging. It was deep. It was holy. We had tears. We had rage. We had joy. Circles are an ancient, ancient practice that we've sort of let go. And sadly, women's Bible studies and women's circles within the church community have almost turned into an upholding of the patriarchy, and they've become male-centered.

And so we've missed out on these beautiful cycles of women's lives, and seasons, and stages, and mothering, and caring for one another that a lot of our ancestors had. And so we here at Mountain City have been about the back. It's a lot of what we do at our retreat, which I'm so excited we filled all 21 spots already, and we'll open it up for even more women next year. 

MEGAN: (6:09) But in the meantime, I'd like to reintroduce sacred circles as a very real possibility for being able to honor the sacred inside of us, the imago dei, the image of God in all women. When we meet together, we welcome each other like long-lost relatives. We allow space for people to add in their greetings, and we get quiet, and we remove all distractions, and we try to create something that feels safe and comfortable, free from interruptions, a sanctuary, a place where we can fully immerse ourselves in the experience without distractions. Of course, always leaving room for the baby, or the pet, or whomever, whatever the needs are. Then we have these agreements that we go through. We agree to hold what is shared in confidentiality. The second agreement is that we come to the circle with no expectations. We all are coming here for a reason, so we trust in what we each bring to the table. And again, it's a circle. The circle is a connotation of equality. There's space for everyone at this table, and there's no "leader". We are space holders when it's our turn, but nobody is in authority over somebody else, and we all have chances to share. We've all experienced receiving feedback that wasn't asked for, so the third agreement is we don't give one another feedback unless asked. We honor one another at the edge of a chair. We celebrate when it calls for celebration, and we weep with those who weep.

MEGAN: (8:03) So there's no fixing or advice-giving, and then what we do is we speak with intention. We listen with attention, and we tend to the well-being of the circle. If you're like me, I have just been absolutely revolted by women turning on women, especially in the news lately, you know, abandoning the sisterhood, betraying the sisterhood. It's something that I just can't abide by, probably due to my own experiences of not feeling like I had my sisters on my side when I was going through the worst of everything in my life, and feeling as though they were taking the sides of the the cruelty of the men in my life, and so I've kind of made it my mission to uphold the sisterhood and to bring the image of God back into the beauty of what we can have together as sisters when we honor each other. Actually, the patriarchy is what has made sisterhood so incredibly difficult. There's a female shadow side that comes with the patriarchy, and it's just a wounded feminine. It's unhealed. It's all unhealed masculine and feminine and a misunderstanding of who we are in God's image, but simply put, there are parts of women that have been exiled or banished because they've been considered to be unfeminine or sinful. Many people bring all of their parts into the circle, but some of us are still working on this, so typically the shadow side of women appears as jealous, competitive, passive-aggressive or resentful, and this is because we have often been taught that women are to be small, invisible, with no sense of adventure or leadership.

MEGAN: (9:57) We are taught to be quiet and submissive, so this causes enmity between men and women, but it can also cause enmity between women and women. We create a fictional and misdirected world of scarcity rather than realize that we are all different and bring different things to the table. I want us to always be honoring each other, so we focus a lot in sacred circles on this because each of us is unique and we all have our own gifts to bring to the table. Patriarchy can also penetrate the psyches of women, conditioning many of us to agree with and embody patriarchal values, so just as a man is not automatically patriarchal just by virtue of being a man, a woman by virtue of being a woman is not precluded from being patriarchal as well, or as Tia Levings says, carrying water for the patriarchy. As a white woman who has been brought up in a patriarchal society, I know all too well how I can be dazed by my conditioning. I know how easily many of us can be impressed by the patriarchy's black and white absolutism and dogmatic self-assurance and how easy it is to be intimidated into giving up our power to a patriarchal authority figure and then relying on him to tell us what's right and wrong.

MEGAN: (11:29) When women find ourselves powerless to identify abusers and protect ourselves from abusive broken masculinity, it is because we have inside ourselves the critical voice of a patriarchal male putting us down, diminishing us, making us feel inferior and wrong. This insidious shadow masculine within us agrees with the abusive behavior of the patriarchal men we encounter in our lives. We then align ourselves with the worldview of our abuser or our oppressor. This is why some of us women end up championing abuse leaders, abusive leaders, and supporting dogma that goes against our own equality, self-sovereignty, and safety as women. And as a consequence, we end up embracing the very beliefs that disrespect women, endanger women's lives, and diminish women's worth. There are many ways in which a woman becomes patriarchal, but I will quickly mention four main patterns that many of us are particularly susceptible to in the hope that our becoming conscious of these tendencies will empower us to transform them.

MEGAN: (12:51) Number one, women who embody a patriarchal type of authority. The first way in which a woman becomes patriarchal is by completely disowning her identity as a woman and becoming one of the boys. This is a strategy to avoid belonging to a group that is considered inferior and subjected to discrimination and sexism.

MEGAN: (13:18) Number two, women who become submissive to the shadow masculine. The second way in which a woman becomes patriarchal is by accepting a position of inferiority and becoming subservient to the patriarchal masculine. She loses her power, her sense of self, and her better judgment, abdicating it all to a patriarchal authority in order to receive recognition and validation of herself by winning his approval. This is insidious. It is outsourcing our needs and placing them into the hands of somebody who cannot meet them. Our needs need to be met by the dance we do with God inside of ourselves, not outside of us.

MEGAN: (14:10) Number three, women who are privileged by their status in patriarchal structures. So the third pattern by which a woman supports the patriarchal structures happens when she does not want to rock the boat because she might lose her privileged status. And number four, women who are looking for a way for a man to heal their wounds. This puts men in a place where they don't belong, can't function, and will never succeed even if they think they can. It creates a vicious cycle of female wounds running into male wounds that often manifest as someone who is pedestalized but is always failing. All four of these and others cause broken relationships between women. We stop championing ourselves and others. We no longer honor each other. Our fellowship falls into the shallow, unsatisfactory places of how we can be more submissive or patriarchal, thereby worshiping these dogmas and laying our own selves on the altar of an imbalance of power within ourselves and outside of ourselves. So why circles? Why now?

MEGAN: (15:38) If you're like me and you do not want to succumb to the patriarchal cesspool of swirling blackness sucking at our souls, you might want to join circle with us. One of my favorite quotes is by SARK, the circles of women around us weave invisible nets of love that carry us when we're weak and sing with us when we're strong. Isn't that beautiful? Don't you want that? I know I do. Centuries ago, like I said, it was common for women to come together in circle every day to support one another in birth and during the menstrual cycle to cook and sew together, to take care of one another's children, and to share stories of inspiration and triumph. We thrived in that nurturing, connective environment where they could lean on their village sisters in times of trouble and dance with them in times of celebration. But with the industrial revolution and technological progress over the last century, women lost touch with that ancient art of circling and forgot the power of the feminine.

MEGAN: (16:57) In ancient Israel, women called it red tent living. I believe from my research that these women helped each other survive by coming to the aid of each other, honoring one another, and upholding each other in a world where women were seen as property of men. Sadly, the evangelical culture began to shallow five women circles, creating Bible studies and meetings that were simply logistical or gathered around patriarchal beliefs, making circles more about doing rather than just being. So this is what I'm determined to change for us, including myself. Obviously, we have some massive divisions in our world today. We are experiencing strong extreme polarizations. It feels as though everywhere in the world is a split into an us versus them mentality. The patriarchal system we currently live in is based on the concepts of individuality and independence. And as a result, women have been taught since childhood that we need to prove ourselves worthy by claiming I can do it myself in order to find our place in the world. This emphasis on the self over community leads to mistrusting one another. And competing with each other. The current state of society is so fragmented and so separated.

MEGAN: (18:28) We are not working together as a human race. And so we continue to see war, destruction, and pain of our beautiful planet, along with disease and decimation of our souls. When women circle, we learn to trust ourselves and one another. We step into our sovereignty as individuals while also learning how to be part of a collective. This is what I call the Holy Trinitarian Flow within us all and among us. Sisterhood, Christ in us, Christ among us. With all of the silencing within religious frameworks, we have forgotten our Imago Dei. It's no wonder women temporarily forgot how to use their voices. But when we come together as a unified sisterhood, supporting and celebrating each other, collaborating and co-creating together, we reclaim our power. This is the shift we are waiting for. This is how we will change our world. Our worlds and each other's worlds.

MEGAN: (19:48) With each circle, we have a theme or a discussion. We have a time to share and to reflect with each other. It is safe and beautiful. It is co-creative leadership with no hierarchy. It's like each woman in the circle is a spoke on the wheel, contributing her unique voice and talents and strengths and medicine, which is what makes the wheel turn. The wheel is created by the uniqueness of the community. Each woman contributes and together we co-create the mission with no judgment because we value and celebrate each woman's contribution and we are committed to her being her full self-expression. When we get that we each matter and that we each have something to offer, we can relax and stop trying to be everything to everyone. We can lean on our sisters and trust the law of giving and receiving. We'll be less exhausted and burned out with this new model. Everyone is in a different stage of life. Everyone comes in with different hurts.

MEGAN: (21:03) Some are in abuse. Some are leaving abuse. Others are looking for community and still others of you are wading through the sacred waters of illness. We are all here for it no matter what. I love this quote by Dr. Bolan. The opposite of patriarchy is not matriarchy; it's circle. I'm so excited to invite you all to circle beginning on March 14th. We do not meet on the first Sunday of the month. We meet three Sundays of the month and we often alternate who is being the space holder for our circles. It's $30 a month. It is a subscription and it's so worth it.

MEGAN: (21:53) It is not expensive and it is incredibly valuable. I miss my sisters and I can't wait to see you all again. So please take some time to think about this. We're going through so much right now in our world. It's not easy for me and I know it's not easy for you to watch survivors again receive no justice, to be exploited, to be dishonored and to see it done by women is an extra step in the backstabbing. A new layer of horror but we're stronger together and if we stay together and we meet together across the miles online over zoom we're never alone. Okay, all right so go to our website www.mountaincitychristiancounseling.com. We'll have the information linked below. Sign up for Sacred Circles and I hope to see you there. This has been Pretty Psych with Megan Owen.

MEGAN: (23:08) I hope this conversation has encouraged deep thought as well as helped you draw parallels between therapy and your connection to God, self, and others. If you'd like some one-on-one time with me, unpacking some of your most precious life stories to find healing and rest, contact me on mountaincitychristiancounseling.com. To help this podcast reach more people do subscribe and review this podcast and share it with someone who would benefit from healing and rest. My name is Megan Owen and thank you for listening to this episode of Pretty Psych. Catch you next episode and, in the meantime, do find healing and do find rest.