In An Effort to Do Pain Well
Apr 22, 2023
During recovery, I have been learning. Learning so much about myself and others. Learning more things that will alchemize into my spirit and practice and into the way I relate to those who are suffering. What will be following for the next several days will be raw thoughts from Meg.
I am still resting -- still cannot do much except lay here and recover. It is forced rest for a weary body. It is necessary.
True to form, when given time where all I can do is rest and heal, my creative mechanisms began to sprout and then soar. I never have time, anymore, so I savor these moments, even while I am in pain and incapable of much else. Thank you for being there.
This first post will be surrounding the movie "Women Talking", which I watched in batches. Even as I write, my heart is aching. It is our story -- all of the women and mine. It is the story of when I took my children and fled Germany. It is the story of grasping to find thoughts of your own when you aren't sure they are yours. It is the story of finding freedom. It is the story of realizing, slowly and painfully, that you have been utterly used, dehumanized and abused.
It is OUR story -- all of the brave women who left abuse. Religious, sexual, violent assaults to the body and the soul and the mind.
It is our story and, one of my favorite quotes from the movie, "Your story will be different than ours." It will not be our children's stories.
This movie shows what it feels like to have no value outside of child-rearing, sex, cleaning and keeping house. If you are with a man who sees you this way, you feel like nothing. You. Are. Nothing. And, in this religious culture, you cannot find a way to feel any other way because he (and all those in the culture) will MAKE SURE you can't.
This movie is for those who know what it is like to have no voice. To be speaking into a vacuum where no one cares.
This movie is for those who left and then the abuse they suffered was doubted, which can be worse than the abuse.
I will ask my children to watch this movie, so they can see. I want them to see what I left and what all of these strong women left. It was real. Watch it. Know it. Understand it.
I wish I could make all of those who doubted me watch it. To finally understand that a complete and total shut-down of the mind, ideas, thoughts, creativity, expression and effusion is death. It was death to my soul. I was going to kill myself if I stayed. I was inches away. All of the red flags.
My kids were (barely) 9, 7, 4 and 2. I am deeply encouraged. I made sacrifices. I'm so glad I did. I'm seeing the outcome. And I am so thankful. It was so worth it. Every single bit of it.
My favorite quotes:
"We're women without a voice." "How would you feel if, for your entire life, it didn't matter how you thought?" "When we liberate ourselves, we will have to ask ourselves who we are." "They made us disbelieve ourselves. That was worse than . . . . " "Leaving is how we demonstrate our faith. We are leaving because our faith is stronger than the rules. Bigger than our life." Take some time -- this is important. You will feel seen, validated and honored. I will never stop working on your behalf. I will always strive to learn, grow and find new ways to bring healing and wholeness. Thank you for allowing me this gift.
Love, Megan
