The Blog

I am a Survivor, After All

Sep 04, 2023

A week before S.O.U.R.C.E. was to launch, I found out that I will be having another vitrectomy -- meaning, another surgery on my eye (retina). I had gone with my dear friend, Sarah, half-expecting to have the oil bubble in my eye removed. Julie said I had been rubbing my head during videos a lot lately. I have felt pressure and pain but I assumed it was just from being on screens all day. 

I had the imaging done. Dr. Oliver looked at me and with the kind of strong intensity a human needs when hearing rough news, he said, "The tumor is not here. The chances of the tumor coming back is almost unheard of. But you need another surgery to remove the scar tissue." 

I had just been telling the fellow that I never wanted to go through this again. Not because of the surgery but because of the recovery. Positioning is brutal. It is the Fall. Football games are happening; I'm opening a brand new project that just thrills my SOUL and feels like my life's work; Mila just went to college. 

Why does everything seem so challenging? Like, always and forever amen? 

I sobbed in the doctor's office, so thankful to have Sarah there to ask questions, calmly and peacefully. She kept looking at me as though she was speaking to my soul, invisibly, "We've got this." 

We left the office and I heard Sarah say, "We will get a plan together so we will get through this. We're about to get strategic." Again, THANK GOD she was there. 

It took me a few days to wrap my mind around going through another surgery like this one. It is important. Doc said it cannot be avoided. I go in on Wednesday, Sept 13, 2023. 

And . . . . I'm OK. I have prayed. This just kind of goes along with a life that I have cultivated, along with God, when I agreed to "drink this cup". I have come to the place where I feel myself attuned to what God is doing around me. I am in enough liminal spaces as a counselor and a chaplain that I know there is so much more out there than the here and now. I trust God. I cried it out. And I am pulling out that warrior-princess part of me that is preparing for battle. 

Jesus told us that we would have troubles . . . . that we would suffer . . . that we could expect this. And I take heart. I will lament well; I will suffer well; I will accept. I will experience the entire spectrum of emotions, to the full, thereby honoring God with my humanity. I am a survivor, after all. 

Love to all of you. Thank you for prayers.